Depression, Anxiety, and Vacationing Alone

It’s no secret to the world that I suffer from moderate depression, mild to moderate (depending on the day) anxiety, and severe introversion. There may be a touch of Aspie goodness thrown in there as well—it doesn’t seem worth the effort to find out though.  Sometimes, especially in the winter, it can get quite overwhelming and I start to feel like I’m a freak incapable of doing anything normal.  And when that happens, I know it’s time to do something a normal person would consider crazy.

Like hop a greyhound from Ohio to NYC for a weekend.

My mom doesn’t understand my love for big cities when I hate people.  She doesn’t understand me a lot though, extrovert that she is.  She thought I was a shy, quiet child when I was really just the opposite.  I could be annoyingly gregarious, took the lead whenever I was in my comfort zone (like with my girl scout troop), and openly greeted every new person I encountered (desperately seeking and never finding a kindred spirit).

Spring is in the works in Central Park

I love NYC.  Better yet, I love it alone.  The world sees it as a big, dangerous place, and I am not blind to this any more than I am when I’m downtown in my own city or in a bad neighborhood.  But just because you might get hurt is no reason not to do something. I love to explore these places at my own quiet, introverted pace.  I regale in getting lost and finding my way out again, of exploring a new place, reading every sign, looking into every shop window.  Just being is enough for me.

And it helps.  I get energy from going to the city.  I lost a lot of confidence over the long Seasonal Affective Disorder-filled winter. Overcoming my anxiety to cancel (by getting a non-refundable bus ticket), riding the bus and having encounters with the other passengers, and figuring out how to navigate Newark Penn was a real boost of confidence.  I could do all of these things without shying away from asking a stranger a question.  Without freaking out that I was taking the wrong train.
 Even if I did take the wrong train and end up in Scranton, I would be okay.

This time I stayed with a friend in New Jersey though I have also stayed in a hostel (fascinating if smelly and slightly uncomfortable) and once I tweeted my need for a place to stay and was offered couch space by an opera singer I had never met, based only on our mutual love for Amanda Palmer.  My mother can’t understand how I can do these things without sending myself into a decline, but I need to do this every year or two.  I once met a guy on the internet 100 miles from home because I needed the adventure.  (Turned out okay—we’re engaged now.)

My anxiety does all kinds of things that makes living difficult. I can’t drive a car.  Most types of jobs send me into crying fits on a regular basis and I can’t work full-time.  But I can travel by myself to NYC and spend the day wandering Central Park all alone and be happy as a clam.

I take a really, really bad picture...

I took my friend to see my favorite places—The Cloisters and The Met.  Of course she waited until we were there to tell me she thought art was boring, so I ignored the paintings and took her to see musical instruments, the Arms & Armor section, and the Egyptian wing—everything that she wouldn’t think of as traditional art, and hopefully enjoyed more.  After that we went to places I had yet to go and had always wanted to.  The Public Library was a bit of a letdown, but we got to see what we really wanted to see there—Winnie the Pooh!  We went to Grand Central simply to look at the building.  We ate pizza in a cruddy pizza place and sandwiches in a froufrou café.

But my second day in the city she had to work so I was on my own.  I spent three hours wandering around central park before making my way to the American Museum of Natural History, which I am afraid I cannot recommend, especially during the spring break season.  I expected children, but not exactly how many, and they were all running, yelling, and generally creating as much chaos as possible.  If I hadn’t paid $17 to get in I would have turned around and left.  Also, it’s VERY easy to sneak in without a ticket, so if you want to go anyway I’d try that route first, ‘cuz the kids will chase you away pretty quickly.

Stego Selfie!

I needed a strong cup of tea and a cookie the size of my face after that ordeal. New York is very capable of delivering such things, luckily.

I was only away for three days. Really that is enough for me.  I’m home now, happier than when I left, more confident and stronger.  I sit and remember that even though talking to customers can drive me to tears, I can navigate the biggest city in the country without fear, alone, (and without a smartphone too!) something most Ohio tourists would never dream of.  I talked to my fellow bus passengers during a delay.  I helped a German tourist find her train.  I even survived Newark, New Jersey, which is the scariest place I have ever experienced, and I’ve been to Texas.

I have an aunt that is so wrapped up in fear, depression and paranoia that she had never been further than a two hour drive from home. She’s never even stayed the night at someone else’s house or a hotel.  I’ve been places. Texas, Florida, Louisiana, New York, Virginia, North Carolina and even Canada. (Niagra Falls. Maybe that doesn’t count…) This summer my fiancé and I are going to Philadelphia to visit the greatest museum in the US—the Mutter Medical Museum!  I am not my aunt. I am strong despite my mental issues.

It’s worth it to leave your comfort zone and go out into the world. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes you spend the ten hours before you board your bus a nervous wreck in near-tears, but once you’re there its worth so much more than staying home and playing on Reddit.